Turn Back Time

If only I could turn back time
If only I had said what I still hide
If only I could turn back time
I would......

From Turn Back Time by Aqua - Sliding Doors soundtrack

Have you ever wondered which part(s) of your past you would like to change if you could turn back time? The "what if's" of life...

What if I had gone to RGS instead of NYGH? Would I have become a more outspoken person? Would my spoken English be better? Would I have become more ang moh pai?

What if I had joined the Military Band instead of the NPCC? Would I have become a cool drummer performing with my own band in some pub now?

What if I had quit the NPCC instead of the Volleyball Team? I didn't quit Volleyball cos I much preferred NPCC. I quit cos I knew I sucked at it and that I would never be one of the main players but would only be bench sitter. The route of NPCC was "brighter".

What if I had gone to a Poly instead of the JC after the O's? What if I had stayed at AJC and not switched to NJC? What if I had chosen the Science stream instead of the Commerce stream? What if I had tried for the Accountancy or Business courses instead of choosing the Building course? Would my career be very different now? Perhaps I might be earning big bucks now huh?

At the crossroads of life, what would have happened if I had chosen to turn left instead of right? Where would I be now had I taken the road less travelled? Could things be different now if I had done or not done some of the things I did?

What if I had not thrown my temper tantrum that night which turned out to be the eve of my father's demise? What if I had known how to perform CPR on him? Would he be sitting at the dinner table tonight, sparring ideas with me? Would we be eating mooncakes and sipping Chinese tea in front of the TV now?

What if I had taken one more step with the guy whom I was beginning to like? Would the gal in the photo he keeps in his wallet now been me instead? What if I had accepted the guy who liked me? Would we be discussing marriage now?

What if... what if... what if???

If there's one thing that I can choose to have happened differently, I would choose to have my father alive with us now. But, the fact is, everything happens for a reason. In life, there is no what-if. 现实是没有如果的。If my father was still alive, my brother might not have become the sensible person he is now. And many things would not be the way there are now. It might have been better, it might have been worse. Who knows? Nobody knows.

I have asked myself this question many times, at various stages of my life. If I could turn back time, what would I want to change? My answer is always the same: NOTHING.

I am who I am now because of everything that has happened in the past, because of all the decisions that I have made, consciously/subconsciously, because of all things that I have done or not done, knowingly/unknowingly. And also because the actions by everyone around me has impact on me, directly/indirectly, whether or not I was a willing/unwilling party. And I am where I am now because of these.

My life is how it is now because of all the experiences that I have gone through. I have the friends I have now because of the places that I have been to, the activities that I have participated in, and the relationships that we have built along the way.

It would be nice if there was no missing piece in my family; it would be good if I had a cushier job; it would be cool if I had a rich boyfriend/husband.

But no thank you, I would keep my history as it is. From bad experiences, we learn, we grow, and we become stronger. For good experiences, we treasure them and keep them as sweet memories.

Without the past, there is no present. From the present, we explore the future, come what may.